Elizabeth Klarer was a woman who participated in a sexy love affair with a beautiful Alpha Centaurian alien during the mid 20th century. If you don't read ahead after reading that sentence I have no idea what is wrong with you
Early Encounters Edit
Born in South Africa in 1910, Elizabeth Klarer had several encounters with extraterrestrial life:
- When she was seven, she and her sister saw a UFO, while feeding their puppies.
- While flying with her first husband, Elizabeth spotted an orb shaped UFO and nagged her husband about how his plane didn't look as nice as the mysterious craft. Surprise! The marriage didn't work out!
After a second failed marriage, Elizabeth's encounters started to intensify
In 1956, at the hot young age of 46, Elizabeth would encounter a sexy alien named Akon (yep) from the planet Meton (pronounced like Meat-On) of the Alpha Centauri star system. After sweeping her off her feet and making out with her, Akon informed Elizabeth that he had been watching her her whole life and wanted to make babies with her to strengthen his species. Elizabeth was ok with this because apparently she was too turned on from Akon’s sexy face and the UFO’s AMAZING red carpet to fully grasp how fucking creepy this guy was.
“He just picked me up, stepped on to the hull of the ship, and in through the door. And as he se me to the floor, which was covered with the most glorious rose-red carpeting. A type of springy carpeting.” - Elizabeth on the ship’s carpeting
Unfortunately for Elizabeth, she and Akon couldn’t fuck due to the presence of Akon’s botanist shipmate Sheron (pronounced like cock-block), who I imagine was probably sitting in a corner masturbating while Elizabeth and Akon were getting hot and heavy . Settling for just a hot make-out session, Akon brought Elizabeth back to her sister’s home and disappeared.
He Returns! Edit
Sometime after her sexy encounter with Akon, Elizabeth felt a sudden urge (presumably in her loins) that Akon was coming back. As fast as she could, Elizabeth returned to the mountain where she first saw Akon, and was immediately welcomed onto the ship by Akon, who was happy to inform her that Sheron was not on the ship (he was busy with botanist stuff). Needless to say, things got pretty fucking kinky. Here is an excerpt from Elizabeth’s book, which was also read aloud by Brian Frange on the podcast:
I could feel the magic properties emanating from the ring. Akon put his hand under my chin, tilting my head up and back, and he kissed me with a long, lingering kiss on the lips. Picking me up in his arms, he carried me to the silken platform by the curved wall. Its firm softness supported our bodies with luxurious comfort as I gave myself to the man from outer space. “My beloved, my life, Akon,” whispered again and again as I surrendered in ecstasy to the magic of his lovemaking. Our bodies merged in magnetic union.
After the hot, tantric fucking, Sheron awkwardly returned with some roots, ate some lunch, then awkwardly left to get some more roots.
“You know, uhh, there’s some more roots I wanted to get on the other side of the mountain. I shall go and get them now!” - Sheron to Akon and Elizabeth Klarer
After Sheron’s departure, the fucking resumed:
I looked up into Akon’s eyes and felt mesmerized as he willed me to move toward him. I did so, and he picked me up like a feather and carried me back into the rest cabin, the door silently sealed behind us. Gently, he opened my gown, and it slipped from my body to the floor. “How white your skin is.” He whispered, placing me down on the silken platform. And he kissed my body, from the top of my head, to the tips of my toes. I swooned in that moment of ecstasy, when I felt Akon’s naked body pressing to mine, as he made love to me again and again with such complete possession. The wonderful abandonment of giving myself to him, and becoming one with him was a sublime happiness, as we lay together in union of physical bodies. Our spiritual energy in complete harmony.
He Returns Again! With Vengeance! Edit
Sometime after this, Elizabeth, now 49 years old, became pregnant with Akon’s baby. During this pregnancy, Elizabeth was attacked by Russian cosmonauts who wanted her unborn child. Although they ambushed Elizabeth in a spacecraft equipped with a deathray, Elizabeth was able to make a daring escape on a majestic horse.
Towards the end of her pregnancy, Akon returned for the baby. He brought Elizabeth back onto the ship and requested that she come with him. She was fine with going, but was really worried about her car.
“But my car! I can’t just leave my car here on the hill!” -Elizabeth Klarer cares deeply about her car
"Huhh, We'll take the car on the ship. I'd like to take a look at the pistons if you don't mind."- Akon's response about the car
Elizabeth stayed in Alpha Centauri for four months (9 years in Alpha Centauri time) with Akon, which probably consisted of a heavy dose of hot sex.
Moving on from Akon Edit
In 1963, Elizabeth fell in love with an ex British Intelligence Officer named Aubrey Fielding. The two, under Akon’s approval and possible arranging, eventually were married (Elizabeth’s third time). Afterward, when asked by newspapers about Elizabeth’s relationship with Akon, Aubrey made his opinions clear:
“Well, my wife has been in love with a spaceman for 20 years. That’s alright with me, as long as he stays in space where he belongs.” - Aubrey Fielding on Akon
Elizabeth died in 1994 of something I was too lazy to lookup. I like to believe that Sheron, in love with Akon the whole time, Choked Elizabeth out with some roots in a jealous rage.
It is probably important to note that Elizabeth Klarer’s son has claimed that he doesn’t remember his mother ever being pregnant or disappearing for several months. So obviously he must have some mental health issues if he doesn’t remember any of this because Elizabeth has to be telling the truth.