A cool breeze blew through the bushes, startling Brain and Phoebe as they crept up to the green house. Under Brain’s aggressive command, Phoebe smashed a window. It’s important to note that Phoebe was wearing a tight shirt. Real tight… Pushing Phoebe out of the way, Brain jumped throw the window and started looking around. He couldn’t find what he was looking for, but then he heard it. Quietly at first, but soon it grew louder. In the very back corner of the greenhouse, there it was. “DUR” He grabbed the cactus and they fled the scene.

Back in L.A. Phoebe and Brain sat on the sofa opposite the cactus. Staring at it. It staring back. “So.. Uhh.. you sing right? Do you like to si…” Phoebe began to ask before being cut off. “Shut up Phoebe” Brain said “Listen here you dumb fuck plant. I need money. For t-shirts. And to buy stuff like tampons for my Bumble Bitches. I’m gonna take you on America’s Got Talent, you’re gonna sing and win me loads of money”. The cactus froze, knowing her only hope was to beg for mercy and explain to the human that she just wanted to go home. “DUR” it said.

There’s a nervous electricity backstage. Over the loud speaker they hear “Up next is Ricky’s Street Dances”. Brain bent down to the cactus and stared right into her prickly little face. “You better do well out there or I’ll set you on fire you dumb bitch. I need that t-shirt money.” The cactus trembled with fear. One of her spikes fell silently to the ground. She was startled by a round of applause from the audience. “That was Ricky’s Street Dances. He. Was. Really. Good at it!” And with that the cactus was brought on stage. You could feel anticipation and excitement crackling through the crowd. The cactus prepared herself for the greatest ballad she could muster. She took a deep breath (or a deep.. photosynthesis? I guess?) and began to sing “DUR”

The crowd did nothing.

“You're shit” Someone shouted from the back. And with this the audience began to boo and throw things at the cactus. They threw rocks, sticks, fruit, vegetables. The cactus stood there in a silent fear as this barrage of objects rained down on her. She noticed a carrot flying towards her, and began to silently weep. That carrot had been her friend. She continued to watch in horror as the mangled corpses of her murdered acquaintances were thoughtlessly lobbed in her direction.

Brain and Phoebe stood in Sebastian’s backyard over the smouldering body of Margery the Cactus. There was little that could be said to comfort Brain.

“You know what?” Sebastian began “I think if it had been a different plant than maybe it would of sang better”

“Oh yeah?” Brain asked “What plant do you think would have been better?”

“Maybe Corn?”


“Me like corn”

“Fuck off”

“Corn good”


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